If the children are our future I’m defecting to skynet

Previews of next years Toddler Apprentice

And lo the winner of kiddie apprentice is Arjun the maths gnome. A boy whose thick hair was matched only by his rival, Tim’s, beard.

I only watched Junior Apprentice because it popped up on iPlayer last month and I was so incredibly bored I decided to give it a go. There was no way it could match the real Apprentice I thought. It would just be a pale imitation where the board room was replaced by a ball park and Christmas Island faced Nick Hewer exchanged for a clown making balloon animals and wearing pants made of frivolity. Well I was wrong; it was quite literally all the brilliance of the normal apprentice minus 10 years from the contestants.

The only major difference was that these poorly proportioned Human larvae were better than the people who turn up on the ‘real’ apprentice. The grownups always seem to make a grand total of about £340 tops while yesterday Arjuns team shifted £10,000s worth of tat and lost to Tim and Kirsty who managed £40,000. I don’t know if they threatened the buyers of camera but those sorts of numbers would make the usual lots heads spin. Then again the concepts of halal and kosher managed that before.

Not only that but Tim and Arjuns half Tesco value half 1984 brand of ‘A bottle of water’ was actually a good idea. They didn’t even present it in front of the professionals in the manner of a newborn calf that’s just been pissed onto the floor by its mum like Apprentice pitches usually are. The key difference was that some of them appeared to actually have some talent.

Talent aside some of the little scrotes were easily as hateable as their older parallels. Zoe Plummer for example who I can only imagine is either an almost attractive childlike dominatrix doll or a robot sent from the future to kill using only haughtiness and pretention. ‘Lord Vader’s’ assertion that she had the ability to ‘rub people up the wrong way’ is like saying McDonalds has the ability to ‘piss off cows’.

Lets be honest - She rubbed us up the right way

Kirsty the other finalist didn’t make much of an impression on me; however she did seem to be doing a pretty good impression of Wee Jimmy Krankie.

In the final task Zoe actually became even more annoying when she managed to develop an ebonic accent while talking to some poor lads they had ambushed playing football, and the brand name of ‘Drip Drop never Stop’ was apparently brilliant because it rhymed. Well ‘Piss Flap load of Crap’ rhymes as well, you should have called it that. In fact the manner in which she started to speak ‘lik' dis yo’ reminded me of the scenes in the Terminator films when Arnie starts to learn human behaviour, be afraid.

The only thing worse that the ‘Drip Drop’ brand name or the way Zoe shoe horned in the word onomatopaic into a conversation was their TV advert. It was like some sort of Guy Ritchie inspired post apocakypse gangster flick starring 2 seemingly disabled children who had crawled onto a council estate roof only to be mugged for their last bottle of water.

Similarly disturbing was the ‘A bottle of water’ advert conjured up by Tim and made even more homo-erotic by Arjun. A handsome fellow basically runs through a public park stripping (Past some really pissed off out of work actors who had been brought all the way from Hertfordshire to be told basically to fuck off). The advert reads ‘’All he needs is a bottle of water’’ but I would argue he probably needs 24 hour round the clock care, electro shock therapy and some prescription drugs.

Eventually the two teams backed by the previous failed contestants (Which is like having the cavalry turn up, only to discover that the cavalry are the Para-military wing of the Salvation Army) end up in the ironically named Spittlefields in front of a bunch of knobs whose life’s work is selling water, in bottles.

Arjun celebrates his win

Arjun and Tim charmed them with maths and northern bumbling while Kirsty and Zoe described ‘Sally’ the target group for their product who sounded like a cunt. When all was said and done and we were back in the board room waiting for ‘Lord Sugar’ who I still expect to reveal himself from behind the frosted glass doors wearing just a towel. Tim and Arjun played a game of backhanded compliment tennis while Zoe and Kirtsy were ejected. This brought an amusing moment where Zoe tried to be magnanimous but came across like a Data from the next generation.

In the end Arjun won – I wonder what he will spend the money on? If I was him it would be growth hormones.